Order for Madonna

I spent the weekend in the wilderness. It was incredible but… does anyone else have nature anxiety?

I spent the weekend at Elk Lake Lodge in the Adirondacks. It is… the most iconic place. The view? Enchanting. The cabin? Utilitarian perfection. The food? Abundant. The experience? Beyond.

I love nature. I really do. And this past weekend,the quiet, picturesque, no-wifi environment made me realize how much noise and distraction is around us, all the time. I cherished watching my children occupy themselves for hours at the beach throwing rocks, catching fish with nets, dipping sticks in the water to create ripples… Letting a day unfold outside is truly delicious.

That being said, every time I am in an environment like this, I feel my peace spiking…. but ironically, my anxiety too.

Lord help me! At night, when it just feels a “bit too quiet” in the cabin and I repeatedly wake up, eyeballs popping open as a surge of cortisol pulses through my body, quickly getting up and tiptoeing into the bedrooms to “make sure the kids are still there…” What am I afraid of? Oh I dunno… them getting snatched up by some weirdo, witch or wolf. Convinced of the absolute extreme – even the supernatural! Each time I find them sleeping soundly, in cottage-core bliss. Obviously.

Oh! To the heavens above! When my daughter went with my husband to the lodge…. It was one of those moments where I was pretty sure she was with him, but we didn’t go the official “tap in / tap out” exchange. Three glasses of chardonnay deep, I found myself panic-stricken, looking around the dock edges, preparing myself to see a floating body and cursing my inebriated negligence as I hurriedly walked to the lodge with the other children, only to find my daughter with her father… comfortably sitting in front of the fire.

And let’s not forget, my darling husband! He went out for “an hour bike ride.” An hour and a half later, not back… Pacing back and forth in the cabin, I grabbed my phone, and, like an idiot, tried pulling up “Find My Friends” and searching for his dot despite the SOS label clearly being shown. As I was about to full-on meltdown, gather-the-kids-into-the-truck-to-initiate-a-search-party, there he was at our doorstop, gushing at how beautiful the ride was…

“Why am I like this….?” I beseechingly ask myself as the birds chirp and the water twinkles on a perfect Saturday afternoon with no worries or problems?

Lately, I have come to terms that my anxiety is probably more than the average person. I am not surprised… my mother constantly was conjuring up worst case scenarios growing up… for everything… Now, here I am, doing the same.

It has me reflecting on how much we carry from our parents, how hard it is to recognize learned behavior, and the immense amount of work and bravery it takes to unwind it. Like, how can I de-couple a behavior learned an observed since my inception from the person I love and trust the most?

Also, how am I messing up my kids? How can I prevent this from being passed onto to them? Do I need help? If yes, are we talking therapy or full on SSRI? Am I prepared to answer that question? Do I even have the time right now to go down that path?

Why is it so goddamn hard to dwell on “the best that could happen” instead of the worst? Is there anyone out there that does that… like naturally… all the time? Send help. And more outdoor recs.